If you have ever wondered how many calories you burn during sex, I recently came across the following excerpt written by Professor Richard Smith in his book The Dieter’s Guide to Weight Loss During Sex.
How much energy is consumed while making love? If you consider that two hours of golf uses 71 calories, while simulating a convincing orgasm for 19 seconds uses 160, you can see that sex is the more enjoyable and more effective form of exercise and with a little care you can even practice outside. Weather permitting.
Whoever starts well is half way there, so let’s start with personal care: taking a shower uses 8 calories – 2 more than having a bath – and drying your hair with a hairdryer uses 3. If, however, you let your hair dry in the wind, you need 348 calories.
Getting your home ready – plumping up the cushions, lighting the candles, scattering some poetry books here and there to show that you are not only excited by spicy sauces – will use 42 calories, while trying to put your partner at ease can range from 248 calories required to listen to Wagner up to 1573 for reading “War and Peace” without interruption. If you relax by playing an instrument like the trumpet you will use 26 calories. 320 without the mouthpiece.
At this point you will be feeling more at ease and you could start to get a bit more intimate, trying to seduce your partner: if you are rich you’ll use 5 calories, but if you’re poor you’ll spend 164.
For a delicate kiss you need about 10 calories, 17 for a more impetuous one and 18 for a french kiss. If you give a french kiss with your mouth closed you will use 239 calories.
To stroke your partner 10 calories are sufficient, 17 to give them a massage and 19 to embrace them: see for yourself.
To get undressed in the summer you use 3 calories, but in the winter you need 25. And if in colder weather you try to remove a pair of pantyhose without having removed your trousers first you’ll use a good 375 calories. Add 100 to that if you succeed.
A basic striptease uses about 55 calories, a belly dance 100, discovering your partner was better-dressed 10 calories and finding out your partner is the wrong sex 100. If the discovery does not shock you, you will use a quarter of that.
Even oral sex has its place: on average the task requires 27 calories. 200 if you are very cold.
Sudden and unexpected feelings like embarrassment or disappointment (such as “that’s it?”) consume energy too: between 15 and 60 calories.
Deciding on which position is important too: Professor Smith correctly underlines the fact that the Royal Academy of Tibet counts more than 860 positions, but if you are a bit arthritic and you’ve had a bit too much wine you will find that 859 of these can not be practiced. However, average consummation varies from 20 to 40 calories to which you can add even more if you make love somewhere other than in bed: 38 on the saddle of a Vespa, 24 close to the aisle in an airplane or 100 in the toilet, 50 in a hammock, 14 if you are standing up in a telephone booth and 274 if you are lying down.
Chuckling burns 7 calories, cheering your partner on 22 and giving them a Hi-five, 78.
Changing position will make you use 16.
Erotic fantasies can use between 15 and 35 calories.
And finally… the orgasm! A real one uses 27 calories, faked 160. Just before it you will use 500, and just after only a quarter of a calorie .
And you might fall asleep: if it happens after making love you will consume 18 calories, but if you fall asleep during, 32. If you fall asleep in the kitchen, 5 calories.
Cleanliness is next to godliness: if you feel like taking a shower afterwards, you will consume 7 calories if alone, 12 if you shower with your partner, 187 if the heater breaks
With all this energy expended just to have sex, it’s a miracle the human race isn’t just too exhausted to procreate.